Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Far From What I Once Was But Not Yet What I'm Going To Be

I would like to think that I've got something called the "dreamer's disease" - I dream for hours, weeks and months on end. We live in reality but my dreams are so much more bigger than the reality I'm living in. Dreaming keeps me alive, keeps me sane, makes me happy. It paints a bigger picture of everything I hope for, desire and wish for. Dreaming takes me on a journey to places far beyond the earth, stars and the moon. Yes, it's that deep. I kid you not!

Let me take you on a trip down memory lane. A painful, bitter-sweet memory. Let me take you back to high school. This is pitiful. It still is a bitter pill for me to swallow because in high school I was a, let's call it an "all rounder" - I wasn't popular nor was I a nerd, just your average student. I was however, stepped on, bullied, battered and bruised, but it wasn't all bad all the time. I was pale, skinny, lanky, developed terrible acne mid-year in grade 9 and to top it all off; I went though a growth spurt which made me terribly awkward. I had the same friends through out primary school and met a few new one's along the way. One of the few negative memories I have of high school (which I doubt I will ever forget) was when my friends and I were terrorised by a group of girls who made it their mission to make our lives a living hell. They found pleasure in calling us the ugliest names, cursing at us and making a mockery of us (I will refrain from repeating the words they used.) - I couldn't fathom why they disliked us for no apparent reason. This quarrel even landed us in the Principal's office. Nothing came of it, the only thing I gained out it was thick skin, very thick skin... and for that, I thank them. They taught me a valuable lesson. I forgave them. For what good is it to dwell on the past?

One of my fondest memories I have of high school was when I met a boy, whom later became my first (ever) boyfriend and my best friend. I will never forget the day we met. It was winter, but a very hot winter's day. O the irony. Our meeting was perfect. It was fatal attraction. The moment we met we hit it off. We had so much in common. He was a little bit of a loner just like I was and I was okay with it. We understood each other whilst others often never understood the two of us together. He impacted my life greatly. I'm proud to say that our relationship was purely platonic. Sadly, after 4 years of an on and off relationship we parted ways. We simply weren't meant to be, I guess. We came from 2 different worlds, different backgrounds. Sometimes I ask myself how a love so beautiful could have gone so wrong? I cannot unlove him. My feelings for him were too deep. No matter how hard you try, you never forget your first love, especially if the great love of your life is your "high school sweetheart". Things change, people change. Change is inevitable and what are the chances of your first love being your last love? Its highly unlikely.

I'm so glad that chapter in my life is over, as it was a huge learning curve and also a stepping stone to bigger and better things. In a sense high school was my security blanket, the ground beneath my feet, protecting me, guarding me, cradling me. All the things a mother would do to protect her child, but the child eventually has to grow up and leave the nest and embark on their own journey. Life goes on. Right now I'm in a happy place, taking life one step at a time (even though I sometimes find myself in a mode of panic. I worry too much.) I think to myself, "we're all going to die, we don't know when, we don't know how, we don't know where, we could die at any moment, yet we live our lives as if none of this is true." I read this a long time ago and it has haunted me ever since. I'm just afraid of my time on earth being limited that I won't be able to fulfil my desires and make my dreams come true. Leonardo DiCaprio said "When I was young. I used to have this thing where I wanted to see everything. I used to think 'How can I die without seeing every inch of this world?'' - this is exactly how I feel. This is where my indecisive stress case personality steps in. I become quite a "damsel in distress". I have to remind myself that my destiny has already been written and I can't always have it my way (this is very hard for someone like me who hates being told what to do. I am quite stubborn at heart.) I want to make a difference, shed some light, travel and grow. One thing I know for sure is that I will stop at nothing to make my dreams come true. I believe in taking ownership of your life, taking responsibility, grabbing the bull by it's horns and going ahead at full steam. As I embark on this complex journey of life I will keep my feet firmly on the ground, take heed and practise what I preach.

P.S. "Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Image source: Tumblr